Unrequited Defiance
by wingsofseyfert12
Summary: It was foolish. It was stupid and most of all it was impossible. But that didn't mean she couldn't try. Even if the result, in the end, would remain the same.


Disclaimer: All rights to the name "Sound Euphonium" belong solely to Kyoto Animation. I neither own this franchise nor do I profit from the writing of this story.

Author's Note: After having watched episode nine of Sound Euphonium I was inspired to write this character-centric one piece. I know she is a minor character but she has been my favorite since the beginning. Hopefully I do her character justice. Anyway enjoy.

* * *

Three agonizing days.

Three days that I was forced to wait as the results from the audition would finally be announced. As we were being shuffled into the music room I felt my chest constrict. There was a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and the desire to simply run away from the room was overwhelming. I steeled my courage and did my best to calm the storm of discontent in me. Eventually I was able to gather my courage and soon took my place with my section.

When was it that I started to take this concert band thing seriously?

Initially I joined concert band because it felt like the easiest club to join. I didn't want to join anything that would be too strenuous. School was stressful enough as it was and I didn't feel that I should burden myself with unneeded stress by taking part in competitive clubs.

The concert band here at this school was weak at the time I joined it. This meant that the chances of actually doing anything competitive was close to nill. So I joined believing that I found a club that would fulfill the necessary requirements of my schooling and yet I wouldn't have to work too hard at it as well. And I was right. The concert band was a mess. The majority of us first years didn't want to do anything and our seniors were apathetic and not willing to expend their energies in getting our lazy class to practicing.

There were a few first years that genuinely wanted to practice and do well but they were often rebuked. Often times I would feel guilt as I saw my peers getting lambasted by the others for their dedication to the concert band. I would be right there laughing with them on the outside but, on the inside, all I felt was guilt.

That year had turned out to be a complete disaster.

When it came time for the band to choose a president the most popular, and capable candidate, Asuka Tanaka, had refused. A selfish decision in my opinion. While I don't hate Asuka I never was head over heels for her either. While cheery and amiable on the outside she could be quite snotty, even cruelly arrogant, when alone or when surrounded by just a few of her peers. Even so there was no mistake that she could have salvaged the year and perhaps we might have been competitive. We might not have won anything but at the very least we would have had the dignity to go out there and compete.

Instead Asuka Tanaka decides to flake out.

It has been something that I have been thinking about for a long time but the answer didn't hit me until just a couple of days ago when Asuka had straight out abandoned us to practice on her own when that little girl, Sapphire I think her friends call her, had been unable to practice effectively due to personal reasons. She had always stated that practice time was precious and yet I couldn't help but think that she was being a hypocrite in some way.

Last year she had remained firmly neutral and had done nothing to address the problems in the concert band. What about all that precious practice time wasted by those lazy band members myself included? Why didn't she come after us? Had Asuka used her clout she would have definitely gotten the band back together. However I believe that she didn't want to spoil the self-perceived image that the entire band had of her. Despite everything Asuka basks in the attention that she gets and if she had gotten after us then her self-image might have been damaged.

Yet here she is getting after a poor first year for wasting time when so much time was wasted last year. I remember seeing her swiveling in her chair saying "I don't care." and I couldn't help but agree. She really doesn't care about anyone but herself. For in the end the biggest reason why Asuka didn't take the presidential job was because it would cut into her precious practice time. In fulfilling her desire to be the best no matter what she had done the band a terrible injustice.

It was her decision to not become president but to this day I believe that she did it not because she _couldn't_ do it but because she _wouldn't._ She would let the band fall into flames just so long as she remained number one. That was the most important thing in her book.

Yet the entire band kisses the floor where she walks. She's so amazing and wonderful.

So blind.

Perhaps I'm simply over thinking this but I can't help but feel that the band could have been saved last year had Asuka stepped up. She didn't and shirked from her responsibilities. It was her decision, sure, but it was one that struck the nail in the coffin for our band that year.

As I pondered these thoughts I found my eyes wandering to Oumae Kumiko. She looked to be a bit nervous though for some reason I don't believe it was because of the audition itself. That familiar feeling of envy soon started to rise but I quelled it. I did not hate her and, in fact, I believe it was because of her that I started to really take concert band seriously.

It seemed that her and this batch of first years had infected this band with something. Along with Taki-sensei and soon we were wanting to overcome ourselves. To work harder and reach a goal. As usual I was apathetic about it but soon everyone got into it and before I knew it I suddenly found myself exerting myself to keep up. It was then that I realized that I did not want to lose to Oumae Kumiko.

I found that as time passed I could not get over the fact that this first year was so much better than me.

Kumiko's tone was thick and powerful and yet she could still double-tongue deftly if needed. Her range was impressive and she could consistently go up to two octaves on all her major scales along with the arpeggios. While her sight reading needed work it could not be denied that her ability to improvise by ear was phenomenal. Give her a key and she could start a tune if need be. By all accounts she was nearly as good as Asuka herself and she would only continue to get better if she kept at it.

Meanwhile my range was pretty bad even though I too knew my scales. I can actually sight read pretty well, better than Kumiko, but when it comes to actually playing the darn notes my range would absolutely kill me. Kumiko could pedal tone like no tomorrow while my low notes just whither to nothingness. Meanwhile my euphonium screeches on the high notes while Kumiko seems to hit them with crystal clarity. It doesn't help that my double tonguing is pretty bad and I would often get tripped up on runs.

Even so I managed to have a friendly acquaintance with her and, for a while, everything is great.

That is until the auditions hit.

Suddenly I find that I'm no longer apathetic. I realized that I was actually having fun. Sure I was having to exert myself way more than I wanted but, at the end of the day, there was a sense of accomplishment and I found myself addicted to that feeling. The feeling of achievement. To be part of something greater than just myself. And all this time I was having fun doing all this hard work! It was unbelievable.

For once I feel like there is a goal worth shooting for and suddenly I don't want to be left out!

Yet the possibility of being left out of the concert band was very real. Both Kumiko and Asuka are very talented and plus have many years ahead of me in their craft. Meanwhile here I am barely in the second year of playing this instrument.

It was hopeless.

Then a sudden spark of defiance sprang forth inside of me. Was I really going to just sit here and let Kumiko and Asuka waltz into their seats without any opposition whatsoever. My mind suddenly went back to our first sectional at the beginning of the year. I remember Gotou saying that I couldn't play a part of the march we were to perform. At the time he was right and I didn't care.

Now, however, I felt insulted. Outraged even!

Was this the sentiment that was carried by my fellow peers in the low brass section? That Natsuki is just some lazy, no talent hack that isn't even worth considering in competition? Perhaps I'm over reacting but I can't but feel a sudden anger well from within me. The defiance grows and now I want to show them all that I too can play! That I'm worthy of a seat in this band and that my status of sempai isn't a free meal ticket in.

So I start to practice like a maniac starting first with the one thing everyone hates.

Scales.

I practice my scales until I feel like my lips feel like they are going to burst and my fingers drop off. First I practice them by going through one run each consecutively. Once I went through all twelve I would go through them again. Five sets of twelve was the standard I held for myself and if I missed even one note then it was back to square one! Once I was done with this torture fest I then started to add arpeggios to the scales, once again going through five sets of twelve without a mistake.

At this juncture I almost gave up. It seemed that no matter what I would miss a note in the arpeggios and I would have to start the dreadful process all over. However the thoughts of that selfish Asuka grinning arrogantly and of Kumiko looking at me with pity filled me with the motivation I needed to push myself. Once I got through with this horror session then it was time for the ultimate test.

All twelve scales, five sets, in double octave and double arpeggio.

How many hours, days, even weeks of my life have I wasted trying to accomplish this nearly impossible task? At times I almost wanted to throw my instrument against the wall. Seriously this torture would have been a wonderful trial for Hercules to overcome.

After fruitless attempts I finally managed to get through all five sets of twelve double octave scales and their respective arpeggios. My lips seemed to have a permanent ring on them and my mother joked that if I wasn't careful I might end up marrying my euphonium considering the amount of times I have 'made out' with it. Gross.

Eventually it came time to actually practice the part on my piece.

What had been terribly difficult was now manageable but even so I wasn't out of the woods yet. Just because I could play the darn piece didn't mean I was automatically awarded a seat. I still had to out play both Kumiko and Asuka as impossible as it sounded. Instead of just playing the notes I now had to pay attention to a whole host of other factors.

I had to crescendo when the piece instructed me to, or to change keys on the fly when it demanded, or accent parts here and there. It was no longer just playing notes. It was about making music.

Despite the torture I put myself through I knew that I was still at a considerable disadvantage. Kumiko was both more talented than I and had been at her instrument longer as was Asuka. The chances of my overtaking either of them was near impossible.

But I would not give up! I would put my entire heart and soul into my audition and show that I truly did belong in this band.

It was then that the entire music room got quiet as Matsumoto-sensei entered the room. With a voice that could part the Red Sea she commanded our silence and we obeyed.

As she started off with naming those who would be part of the concert band this year I swear I felt like my heart was going to drop dead from beating so heavily. I looked and found that Asuka looking sure and smug. I knew that she was going to get a spot. On her worst day she could still outplay myself and Kumiko. No the only person I had a chance in beating was Kumiko herself. As I heard Matsumoto-sensei announce that she was going to call on the euphoniums I gulped. This was the moment of truth. Would my hard work pay off?

"Tanaka Asuka!"

"Hai!"

No surprise there.

Then without hesitation, silence or even preamble Matsumoto-sensei then announced the next name.

"Oumae Kumiko!"

"H-Hai!"

"Two euphoniums. Next will be contra bass."

Just like that all my hopes were dashed. All the practice, stress and aggravation just for thirty seconds of a decision time. Before I knew it I was out. It was all over.

A part of me refused to believe it. There was no way that it was over. I practiced way too hard to fail now! There had to be another way!

However I could see Kumiko looking over at me her eyes filled with pity.

I would have felt disgusted if I didn't feel like crying so much. I mean really it was only an audition to a high school concert band. In the scheme of all things this wasn't even important at all. The decision today had no bearing on the rest of my life. For all intents and purposes it was unimportant.

At least I tried to convince myself of that.

Yet the overwhelming feeling of disappointment would not go away!

Damn it why do I feel like crying all of all sudden?

It was like all of my hard work, all those hours and torture sessions were for nothing. In the end I could not defy my fate. I was a fool for having tried. The experience and talent gap was too large and yet I foolishly made the jump without preparing a parachute and ended up falling flat on my face.

Before I knew it class had been dismissed and I found myself shuffling slowly out of the door. Some of my peers that didn't make it were still here crying their eyes out. I refused to cry over something like this no matter how much I wanted to.

As I made my way out of the music room I spied the case containing my euphonium.

I almost wanted to kick it in frustration.

"Glaring at it like that isn't going to change anything."

Hearing the voice I instantly wanted to just run. The last person I wanted to talk to right now was Asuka.

"What do you want?" I asked harshly.

"Look I understand-"

There it was. Asuka putting on that good girl facade, the one where all the girls admired and the guys fell in love with. A sudden anger burned in me as I retorted harshly.

"Understand? Do you mean to tell me that you understand how I'm feeling? Geez I didn't peg Asuka Tanaka as a liar."

I could see the shock on those blue eyes of hers. She clearly did not expect me to make such a sudden rebuttal in her attempts to comfort me.

"Look I'm trying to help." said Asuka patiently.

"Well you're not. Please move sempai." I ask sternly as I try to walk away.

It was then that I heard her whisper in my ear as I tried to walk out of the room.

"This is what you get for being lazy last year. What goes around comes around."

My hand acted out on its own and before I knew it I had struck Asuka as she was sent to the ground. Thank goodness Matsumoto-sensei wasn't here or else I would have been in real trouble. As it was some of the girls still remaining went out to Asuka and tried to help her up. She rubbed her cheek gingerly as she was helped to her feet. She was smiling and trying to play it off but I could see it in her eyes.

She was pissed off.

I honestly didn't care and soon turned my back to her and walked away. No doubt those girls were going to mutter some very nasty rumors about me. Tomorrow sure was going to be fun.

As quickly as I could I made my way out of the school. This was the last place I wanted to be at right now. All I wanted was to go home.

The entire way there was a blur to me. All I knew was that I managed to hobble my way back to my home where I was immediately met with a concerned look from my mother.

"Dear? What's the matter?"

I tried to put on a brave face as I tried to brush away her inquiries.

"N-Nothing's wrong mom. Just tired is all."

My mother wasn't the prying type of parent. I knew she didn't believe me but even so she bought my lie. Without waiting for a response I made my way back to my room. As I plopped onto my bed the day's events suddenly surged back into my mind.

I still couldn't believe it was all over.

In the end despite all the work I put in I was still inferior to both Kumiko and Asuka. No matter how hard I tried I would never be able to bridge the gap.

I curled myself up as my body started to shake.

It wasn't fair!

I worked so hard! I put everything into this stupid audition! For once I found something that I wanted to be a part of and suddenly I'm told that I can no longer be a part of it.

Was this my punishment for my behavior last year? Despite me not wanting to believe it perhaps Asuka had been right. What goes around comes around. Had I actually been active and practicing last year I might have been able to edge out Kumiko for a spot in the concert band this year. The gap wouldn't have been as large. It would have been difficult, sure, but not impossible as it was now.

Damn it!

God damn it!

I feel that I should never have tried, not if it were to bring me such horrible anguish.

Feelings of regret and disappointment start to overwhelm me. The pressure is too great for my body to contain and soon they burst out from me in the form of tears.

I don't want to cry! Not over something like this!

However I can't hold back any longer and soon I'm pounding harshly on my bed as I start to cry so hard that I'm nearly screaming. All I can feel is anger and disappointment.

All my hard work...a waste.

A total fucking waste.

Just desserts for lazy, talentless Natsuki I suppose.

* * *

Author's Note: Anyway here is my short one shot of Natsuki's POV as she didn't make the cut for the concert band. I'm sure the anime isn't going to be anywhere near what I'm writing lol. Oh and in case you didn't notice I don't like Asuka Tanaka. I don't normally bash characters but there is a bit of bashing I won't lie. For those who like Asuka's character I apologize. Anyway let me know what you all think.


End file.
